the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
