mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
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