There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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