I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
The power of my boobs compel you
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
