i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
