your parents love me but you hate me
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
