The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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