apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
