Don't make out with my wife yet
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
