I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
