Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
