Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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