You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Randomize
