I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
