I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I didn't notice because vodka
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
