My girlfriend figured out who you are.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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