Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Randomize
