cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
4 words: hood of his car
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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