I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
