she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
