my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Randomize
