i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
