Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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