I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
i just google imaged poop.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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