I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
