Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
