so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
