i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Randomize
