Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
