Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Is Oprah even human
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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