if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Randomize
