the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
