so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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