Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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