feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
