I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
organizing the empties. That sober.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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