I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize
