By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
