At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
