i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
