i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
