Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
