What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
