My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
