My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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