the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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