new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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