Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
