Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
