If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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