HIV tests are more positive than that guy
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
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