i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
