Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Randomize
